Do you know your love strategy?
How do you know that someone special in your life really loves you? Go on, think about it, what happened at the moment that you knew for sure?
What was it that convinced you?
Was it the way he/she looked at you? or was it what s/he said and how s/he said it? or was it his/her kiss, touch, hug or some other physical contact?
We all have a different strategy, our own individual way of knowing inside of ourselves, that we are deeply loved.
In Coaching & Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), we know a strategy as, a thought process that we run through our mind to achieving our desired outcome. We have strategies for achieving everything.
So, to let your partner know that they are deeply loved by you, and vice versa, you ought to be aware of each others ‘deep love strategies.’
There are three parts to a complete ‘love strategy’.
The first part is the initial attraction, the second part is recognising that attraction and the third part is the deep love.
Let us just focus on the third part, the deep love strategy for now. Knowing deep love strategies will help you to learn how to communicate your feelings of love to someone and know that your message is getting through.
As a Life Coach and practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) I have learned that there are three main modes in which we interpret our experiences of the world. We use all three at different times, however, we all have one mode that we prefer using over the other two. The three modes are:
1. Visual (what we see)
2. Auditory (what we hear)
3. Kinaesthetic (what we feel)
What do I mean by that? How is that relevant? Well, I will tell you.
A person who interprets being loved visually, in other words, with a visual deep love strategy wants to ‘see’ that you love them. They want you to show them that you love them. Seeing it takes the form of receiving flowers or gifts, unexpected thoughtful acts like a special romantic evening or a day of pampering, going out for dinner in a beautiful restaurant etc. People with this strategy need to see ‘evidence’ or ‘proof that you love them. They love it when you look at them that certain way.
Someone who uses the auditory deep love strategy like to hear the words ‘I love you’ or similar words of affection, to feel totally and completely loved. They like to hear a certain tone of voice that they know is just for them and makes them weak at the knees. Pet names, compliments and private in-jokes make them feel loved and adored.
Someone who uses the kinaesthetic deep love strategy likes physical touch to feel totally and completely loved. It might be massaging their head in a certain way, kissing a certain spot under the neck, rubbing an ear
just so, stroking the inside of their forearm. They are all about the touch. It is the contact of skin on skin holding hands, an arm around them, a hug while they are doing the washing up. This is about feeling physically close to your partner and not usually about sex.
At the beginning of a relationship we tend to cover all of the bases; go to special places with them or look at them in a certain way, say special things in a certain tone of voice, hold or touch them in a special way but after some time together we can tend to fall back on what WE like best which may not necessarily be what your partner likes best.
Ask them about their preference, then make sure you fulfil it. Don’t take it for granted that you know their deep love strategy or assume that ‘if they really loved you’ they should automatically know yours.
Your deep love strategy is usually a just one of the options. Either a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic strategy and is usually consistent. If you ask the question, most people will probably say will that all three strategies are important, and they are, however we all have one preference, one way that we like more than the others. One way that really “does it” for us – that shines the spotlight on our feelings, rings our bell or presses our buttons, (did you see what I did there?) and has the most powerful impact.
If you don’t know what your partners Deep Love Strategy is, and if you don’t use it on a regular basis, they’ll never feel totally and completely loved by you, it may feel as if you are both ’missing something.’
There are some exercises, in Life Coaching & NLP, that can help you to identify “Love Strategies” that are very helpful in finding out what your partners deep love strategy is. You may want to try them out on yourself first.
When I did these Love Strategy exercises on myself, I discovered that I had an auditory deep love strategy. Not everyone would necessarily favour this strategy, some would say ‘actions speaks louder than words’ or ‘talk is cheap’ blah blah blah. However, it works for me. (I am a sucker for a compliment.)
Here are three of the exercises that you might go through in a coaching session, do just one of them or do them all, whatever it takes to identify your deep love strategy. Use them to determine your own love strategy and the strategy of your partner.
Ask your partner the following question, using these exact words:
‘In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to hear the words,
‘I love you?’
If you get a no, repeat the question with the next strategy:
‘In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to be touched
in a certain way?’
If you get a no, repeat the question with the third
strategy: “In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to
see it through actions? have visual proof?”
In each case, ask your partner to say yes or no and tell you the answer that first pops into their mind.
If you want to develop your relationship a good question to ask your partner would be ‘can you remember a time when you were deeply loved?’ ‘can you remember a specific time?’ ‘go back to that time in your mind, now, step into your body and see what you saw at the time, hear the sounds around you and feel the feelings. What was it that let you know that you were deeply loved?
Ask: ‘In order for you to know that you are totally loved is it absolutely necessary;
1. for you to be taken places, or bought things or looked at with that special look, watches what it is that you do
2. Or is it absolutely necessary to hear those special words or a certain tone of voice, got to hear it
3. Held in a certain way, or touched in a certain way or place.
So try them out with your partner and when you do find out their preferred deep love strategy, make sure you acknowledge it every day and as often as you can. Give a gift or a note to the ‘visuals’ and look deep into their eyes with love. Speak those special words to your ‘auditory’ partner or hug your ‘kinaesthetic’ at least once a day.
Finding out your partner’s deep love strategy doesn’t take long and the reward is that they will know without doubt that you love them. Once you realise what your own preferences are, don’t be afraid to ask for them to be met. Tell your partner what you need to feel loved, it is a win win situation.
So have you figured out what your deep love strategy is yet?